Pieces of Me . . . . .

September, 1989

My mother was 46 years old, I was 23. She was my mom . . .my very best friend, to whom I told everything . . . .my touchstone. And suddenly I am lost . . . .she is gone . . . .and I no longer have my safety net.

Oh, I never fooled myself about my mother, she was no angel, and certainly was not the Perfect parent, but God knows that she loved her children and we knew it. Isn't knowing that you are LOVED the most important thing for a child? No matter her faults, I have to say that Mama instilled a very strong set of moral values in her children. Some of these values came by way of, "Do as I say, and not as I do." OR "Take it from me . . .LEARN from My mistakes." In any case, I am forever thankful for all that I learned from her.

Mama was married for probably less than a year in the early 1960s to a man who's name I do not even remember. A year or so later she married my father, who was the son of a prominent area farmer, in 1963. In 1964 they had a daughter, my sister. In 1966 I made My glorious entrance into this world. Before I was a year old . . . .my parents were divorced.

Almost immediately following the divorce from my father, my mother was married again to a man named Tommy. I don't remember very much about him, but I do remember that I loved him and his family. I believe that their marriage ended within a year or less.

Shortly thereafter, Mama was married again to a man named Ralph in 1969. In 1971 they had a son. Although my sister and I continued to visit our biological father a few times each year, Ralph was a wonderful stepfather, and the man that raised us. We finally had what seemed to be a stable happy family.

In 1984, 15 years after they began their life together, Mama & Ralph's marriage came to an end and they went their separate ways. By this time my sister and I were both in college and although we were very saddened by this news, it didn't really affect our day to day lives as we were living the "Campus" life in the dorms. It was our brother who was the most affected by their divorce. He went a little wild for a time and Mama seemed to stop even trying to discipline him. I believe that one of the reasons for this is because she was a bit preoccupied with a relationship that she had begun with a married man.

This relationship lasted for 4 or 5 years with the man leaving his wife for a time and then going back to her. I talked to my mother several times about this man and I would tell her that she just needed to forget him and find an "Available" man who would treat her the way that she deserved. She would always burst into tears and say that she believed that he was her last chance to have companion in her life. I would tell her that she was a beautiful, smart woman and that she didn't need ANY man to make her happy. The problem . . . .I was never able to convince her of this.

This man went through the back and forth over and over and over again between my mother and his wife. Each time he would leave my mother, she would go into a depression and would stay in her bed for days at a time. During one of her times of depression, I went to his office and I stood over his desk and said, "You have got to leave her alone and stay away from her. You have GOT to give her a chance to get over you because Every time that you do this to her she gets more and more suicidal." He replied by saying, "I know it, but I just can't help it. I don't want her to get over me." I told him that I thought that he was the most selfish person that I had ever met and that he was KILLING her. He burst into tears and repeated that he knew, but just couldn't help it. His words still ring out through my head to this day . . . . ."I know . . . .But I just can't help it."

During one of their splits, Mama even went to stay with a friend of hers in Florida so that she might find a job and start a new life. My poor brother who didn't know any better, told him where Mama was and he followed her there and brought her home to Mississippi.

I got married to my first husband in March of 1989. My new husband had just enlisted into the Air Force, so while he was off at basic training, I split my time between my father and my mother. Once again I spent time trying to talk sense into my mother regarding this man to no avail. In September of 1989 I was in Rantoul, Illinois with my first husband who was in Tech. School for the Air Force when we got a call from one of his superiors saying that my mother had been shot. At first I didn't understand, had someone broken in her home, was she in the hospital, was she going to be ok?

I called my sister who had been staying with my mother and she told me that this man had once again left our mother and it was obviously the last straw for her. She went on a rampage, breaking things, drinking and screaming. When she couldn't get Mama to calm down, my sister called several of Mama's friends to come and talk to her. They came and tried and then they left telling my sister that she would be fine after she got a good nights sleep. Shortly after that my sister heard the gun shot. Mama had locked herself in her bedroom and while standing at the foot of her bed she placed the gun barrel right in front of her heart and pulled the trigger. My sister and my mothers "boyfriend" broke down the door and my sister tried to stop the bleeding, all the while screaming at Mama, "Don't You Leave Me, I Love You!," over and over again.

The ambulance came and they worked on resuscitating her at the house and in the ER, but it was no use. She had hit her heart just as she had meant to. The Dr. even made a comment later that most people really don't know exactly where their heart is.

I was 23, my sister was 25 and our brother was 18. Adults? . . .You might could say we were . . . .And even though my sister and I were married . . . .I still considered us just kids who needed their Mama. OH MY GOD how lost we were.

I have gone through most of the stages of grieving . . .but I have gotten stuck in each one for years before moving on to the next. It wasn't until I had children that I moved to the anger stage, and that is where I am still at today. I was cheated of having my mother with me when I needed her, to help me with the pregnancies or to tell me what to do when the baby was screaming and wouldn't stop. I needed my Mama. My children were cheated out of having a grandmother to love and spoil them. When my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago, she came to me crying and tired after one of her treatments and said, "I really need my Mama to take care of me." I told her . . ."Honey, you come stay with me and I will take care of you." She told me, "I know you would, but it's just not the same." She is right . . . .Nothing is the same as having your Mama when you need her.

It's been nearly 18 years now and I still ache, hurt & cry rivers of tears wishing for and needing my Mama. No . . .she was No Angel . . . .but Oh how she loved me . . . .And Oh How I Love Her Still!!

Lu

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